As I over analyzed every aspect of my emotions I began to realize exactly what I was missing in my life. But more importantly, I realized what I was not missing. I was not missing being sick for a majority of my waking or (in the case of my friend Holly) non waking hours. I was not missing putting 30 plus pounds on a body that I kinda still like at 30. I did not feel deprived of the mood swings, leg cramps, or hemorrhoids that accompany a loving bundle of agonizing 48 hour labor pains.
However, what I was missing was the cry of a newborn when he/she would wake up in the morning. I was longing for late night feedings that are always followed by a few hours (or sometimes minutes) of an armful of sleeping bliss. I was missing having people ignore me when I walked into a room and swarm to the prize I was swinging in a carrier on my one free arm.
My tears every month were not because I didn't have a baby in my belly, but because I didn't have a baby in my arms. My heart began to tell me that we were going about this all wrong. I knew that God had a different plan for our home, and we needed to put him in charge.
I started talking to J about adoption as soon as we hit our one year mark of trying. At first he was reluctant, he wanted us to have our own baby or at least try. But as more time passed, the disappointment began to wear on him also. He began to be more open to adoption and supported me when I had decided that it was time to take the next step.
On December 12, 2010, I made a phone call that may change our lives forever. I called Bethany Christian Services to request an application to begin the adoption process. I know that we have a very long road ahead of us. But I also know that God never gives us more than we can handle. He will provide for us and answer our prayers in His own time. For now, it just feels good to know what I am missing will eventually find his/her way to my arms, because he/she has already found his/her way to my heart.
